Something I wrote back in July:
What is it that keeps me from accomplishing what I want to accomplish? Why isn’t it as easy as “just do it”? It’s like an invisible force that draws a thin veil between me and what I want to get done. I see my greatness on the other side but I can’t get to it. I know what I need to do but I can’t do it. Is it the voices in my head? The faint whispers that tell me I don’t have time, or no, do it later. You’re not good enough, you don’t deserve it? I can’t pin it down.
Is it laziness? Depression? Early childhood trauma?
Some mystical explanation like a terrible terrible demise in a past life?
This kind of block, after years and years of trying to figure it out, leads one down an interesting path of thinking. Digging deeper, trying to understand, that process becoming more of a block from “just doing it.” How does one get off that rollercoaster?
To you, my accomplished reader, the answer may seem simple: Get off your ass, out of your chair, stop wallowing in self-pity, and get over it. Well I’m not off my ass or out of my chair but I am here. Typing. Writing. At least getting some words out on a page rather than on Facebook. It is a start, yes?
So, I am embracing my block…whatever it might be. I am going to try and befriend it. Who knows, maybe he’ll help me. Maybe he’ll turn out to be a she. That’s probably more likely. Maybe he’ll turn into a character in a book. Maybe he’ll be the antagonist. More interestingly, maybe he’ll be the protagonist.
Poor, misunderstood Block. Or maybe I’ll call him Brock. No one gets him. It’s like he’s invisible. All he wants is for someone to see him for who he is. He really is trying to help.
He’s a conundrum though. As much as he wants to be understood and seen, as I type this I hear him telling me to stop typing. Go do something else. It’s like he doesn’t want to be seen. Brock, I cannot keep up with you! Wtf, dude? So, I started to listen to him. I daydreamed for a moment, got distracted by what I should name this post but said no, Brock, not right now. Then I think, well, that’s not a very nice way to make friends with him, is it? To just ignore his wishes?
Brock, if you are only trying to help, why are you trying to get me to do something other than this exercise that might help me get back on track? You know, that “write something every day, no matter what it is” track? How does your distraction help me? Really, I want to understand because, if I can understand you, maybe we can work together. I know that’s not your way but hey, if I’m willing to try and meet you in the middle, do you think you could give this a go too? You’ve had your way for a long time. Throw me a bone here, eh?
And poof. He’s gone. Leaving me attempting to read his mind, to figure it out on my own. I think I’m going to have to try a new tactic next time. Maybe not question him so directly, but try to read between the lines of what he’s saying.
You know, Brock, I could have easily named you Dick. But I didn’t. I’m trying here.